In the mourning.

I have spoke with three people about the death of a close family member in the last few days which has prompted me to write this.  I know a number of folks that have personally loss spouses, immediate family members or friends in the past year or so and I am ever impressed on how they handle the situation.  Oh, I am not talking about how they are handling the mourning process…..it is more like how they are surviving the poor advice from others in their life as to when they should be over it!

It never ceases to amaze me how so many people are apparent experts on a subject that they have never personally experienced themselves.  As a pastor, I have many people reach out to me because they feel that they should be at a certain level in their mourning process after the death of a loved one.  They come to me seeking advice, mentoring but above all, to do a check in with their emotions all because they have been told by others in their life that they should be in a particular phase in the mourning process.  Really?  The frustrating thing for me is that as I delve deeper into the conversation that they have had with these supposed experts on mourning, I learn that the “advice-giver” has never, ever experienced a personal death in their own life.  So why are they suddenly the expert?

One of the main reasons is that most people are uncomfortable with the subject of death.  They don’t understand it themselves and some have never experienced death until their adult life.  This is why I am a huge proponent of allowing children to experience what is really a part of life…and that is death.  I have taken my own children to visitations of people that were emotionally distant, such as a work friend, a neighbor or non-relative, all so they could experience the process that is an inevitable part of life.  I have been at visitations and met adults that have never experienced the funeral process, either because they were over-protected as children not to expose them to the process or that they never had the opportunity.  The result can be devastating in most cases as their first-time experience is likely that of the death of a close family member or friend.

Another reason is that people generally do not know how to handle the subject of death.  It is likely one of the most awkward rituals to watch people go through in life.  No one really knows what to say or how to conduct themselves, which can be dangerous.  At one funeral that I had been officiating, I overheard someone say to the widow…”Well, you never know how things in life turn out eh?”  Oh my!  The person retreated red-faced over their stupid comment and the widow was oblivious as she was in shock….as were those that overheard the comment!  People say dumb things at visitations and funerals because they are uncomfortable with the subject of death.  TIP: Here’s what to say: “I am so sorry for your loss.”  Plain, simple and caring.

Now to the subject of mourning.  Here is the acceptable duration for the mourning process…….and that is that THERE IS NONE!  It is a personal journey.  Personal.  Some appear to have the situation “under control” within a reasonable period – whatever that means…..while others may take months, even years to deal with their loss.  Have you ever thought about the loss of someone close to you and you just don’t want to think about it because of the pain you experience….now multiply by a million.  A piece of your heart….of you, has disappeared, and you are at a complete loss as to what to do with that missing piece.  To have someone tell you to get over it, to get help, that you should be over it by now and other comments that people have shared with me is completely insensitive and all because the person that is giving the advice doesn’t know how to handle loss themselves.  Here me, there is no magical time frame that you should have dealt with your lost.

Of course you have to take care of yourself.  Depression is normal.  Crying is normal.  Don’t ever feel like you owe anyone else your emotions.  If they can not be supportive….loose them for a season!  The last thing you need is pressure.  Now praying, meditating, speaking with a counselor, pastor or close (non-judgmental) friend is always a good idea to keep yourself moving, but move at your speed.

For the advice givers or supposed experts on mourning out there……practice the three L’s……Love, Listen and Leave the person going through their journey of loss alone!